I have not written in what seems like forever. In fact, the last you heard from me was in my "Whispers" blog (https://www.conqueringmomma.com/post/whispers) and I was riding cloud 9. I had waited seven long years to feel that happy, to feel like a piece of my soul that had been missing was finally in place. Then reality of what my life actually looked like left me feeling like I had taken that piece of my soul and had to throw it back into the abyss, knowing I wouldn't feel whole once it was gone. I know, I know why wouldn't I hold onto it if it was that important? Sometimes the right choice feels like you are ripping a part of you out, but you know it is the right choice so you have to do it. I still know it was the right choice, but it is what started my downward spiral that left me laying on life's arena floor.
As many know I am a huge fan of the "Man in the Arena" quote, I find my self once again finding it to be the perfect metaphor for what needs to be done in my life, I need to get up off the arena floor and get back in the fight. I find myself lying on the arena floor covered in dirt and wounds, just staring at the sky watching the sun rise, the day pass by, then the sun sets, and all I seem to be able to do is look at the stars and think I really need to rise and get off the floor. But alas the next sunrise comes and I am still laying on the arena floor.
Generally, I am pretty good at popping back up to my feet, grabbing my weapons and getting back in the fight. Even as I write this I am fighting back tears of the overwhelming defeat that I felt after the last few months. I would get knocked down, try to get my feet on the ground just to be taken out by some other fighter in the arena. I have felt downright disheartened. So back to therapy I go and slowly, so very slowly, I am regaining ground, but it feels like I am sloshing through a swamp with lead boots on. Everyday I have to tell myself "hey, at least your feet are on solid ground again".
Starting over this time feels so hard, all the great habits that I had created to live a joy filled life have to be started over from scratch. I know what I have to do, but then I get so angry that I let myself get to this place. I feel like there is not just one area that needs healing but all of it; my spiritual, mental, and physical health all need healing from the ground up again. I want to scream and shout, why and how after all the work I did to heal am I here again. It brings relief to my soul just to say these words and send them in the universe because I am recognizing and claiming that the last few months I have been hurt, sad, and grieving. But I have also been taking stock and learning, and without going through all the emotions I may not be able to heal.
By now you are probably thinking "wow, well this is just depressing" (sorry), but my intention is for it to be a vulnerable moment so that if you are going through a tough time that you know others are down on the floor with you. I am holding your hand whispering to you "the world needs your light, don't give up". I am right there beside you telling you that the stars are in awe of you as you stare in awe at them. Start to dream of what your life is going to look like once you have the strength to rejoin the fight. See the beauty in the small things, takes those glimmers everyday and watch as they compound and the joy seeps back into your life. It may feel soooo slow, but each step is a step towards regaining your life. You have to feel life, you have to work through the problems or you get stuck. I don't want to be stuck anymore, do you? So take my hand and know that bit by bit we reclaim our lives together. When the next storm hits remember someone out there is holding your hand. You are not alone.
The process of growing and keeping those habits that make us healthy will sometimes be challenged and possibly taken completely out, as was my case. In the end I realize I have put myself in this situation by giving in to all the battles I was fighting and now I have to start over. There is no shame in this, we are human and sometimes we just don't have the strength to be where we want to be. I think the best thing you can do sometimes is rest, lay on that arena floor for just a minute, then push yourself up, and go for life again. Don't beat yourself up that you took that knockout punch, you woke up and get the chance to start over. I will caveat this with, while it is okay to wait for a breath on the floor, don't stay there too long, because the longer you stay the more comfortable you are in the miserable and then that is where you will stay. Trust me when I say that, I stayed in the comfort of my misery and breaking out of that was the hardest first step.
I want everyone of you to lead the most beautiful lives, to look back and think, Damn I really lived and lived it with joy. I want that for myself and my daughters. I want every woman out there to know that while you have breath, it is never too late to stand back up again and fight for a life that makes your heart soar.
Conquering Momma,
Charity